Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
