in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
