He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
