I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
