Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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