I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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