oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My bed smells like the plague
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
