I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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