just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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