a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
