While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
