Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
