dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
