This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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