I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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