I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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