so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
