I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
