at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
