What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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