just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
