Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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