He uses pillows to masturbate.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
