This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
