I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Everything about him screamed your future.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
