I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
