I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
