You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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