I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
