I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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