Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
