Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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