When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
