why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
