Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
