I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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