you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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