Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
