There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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