took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Everclear isn't food dammit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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