TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
