I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
