i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
BRING THE BAGELS
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Randomize
