i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
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