Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
