and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
