So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
