is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
