I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Boobs are out for the taking
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
