Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
