I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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