it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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